THE SELF-POISONER: PATTERNS OF SELF-INDUCED TOXICITY – EXPLANATIONITIS

The T person toxifies himself with his constant need to explain himself and justify his behavior to others. These explanations and justifications bog him down and hamper his freedom to act decisively. Explanationitis ranges from meek defensiveness to belligerent defiance. The victim torments himself by seeking to justify or excuse his every action. The hook in this self-torture game is the importance the person places on other people’s understanding and accepting the “whys” of his attitudes and actions. Since one rarely finishes explaining himself, this T pattern becomes an endless barrier to free-flowing self-expression and spontaneity of action.

This is a dialogue between an explainer and her inquisitor:

JOHN: I want to make love to you.

MARY: I like you, but I don’t feel I know you yet. I’d like to take more time for us to get acquainted.

J: Why can’t we get more acquainted by making love?

M: (Somewhat flustered) I just don’t feel ready for it yet. Sex is too important to me to take lightly.

J: How long do you have tp know me before you’ll be ready?

M: I don’t know.

J: I thought you liked me.

M: I do like you as a person, but I don’t feel ready to go to bed with you.

J: If there’s something that bothers you about me, I wish you’d tell me what it is.

M: It’s nothing like that—I can’t make you understand. …

J: Well, I don’t feel you’ve given me any reasonable explanation. M: I’ve tried to tell you how I feel about it. J: Are you always this slow in making up your mind about going to bed with a guy? M: I’m not trying to be difficult; I just need a little more time. … I wish you would understand that.

J: I still don’t feel you’ve given me any satisfactory explanation.

M: I’m feeling more and more pressured by you. I feel like you’re putting me on the spot.

J: Okay. I’ll have to reach my own conclusion—you just don’t like me. M: Please don’t feel that way. That’s not true. J: I don’t know what else to think. Maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a while. M: I guess I spoiled things. I’m sorry. J: Well, you can make it right if you really want to. M: I don’t know what to say—I don’t want you to think I’m a prude. … I guess I don’t have any really good reason not to go to bed with you.

Justifying or explaining why one feels as one does is a self-poisoning pattern when it involves personal choices about how one wants to relate to another person.

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